Background Check:
It's Saturday, or perhaps it's Sunday. I can't believe my own thoughts at this moment. It's not that I'm lost, or confused but life is just like that "emotionally speaking" in my world at this time and moment.
Reading a blog yesterday sparked up many thoughts in my mind. Not that I need help because "I'm full of thoughts" words just flow in and out of my miserable little mind 24/7.
I always try to make sense of the things in my life, whether they are written form or contact form. I believe there is a reason for everything, otherwise why would I be here on this earth. Why would I exist?
How did it all begin? And I'm not talking about life on earth and evolution or creation. I'm talking about my existence as a human being.
I wasn't taught to love, honor, obey, or to bring peace on earth. I was taught the complete opposite. I didn't know the difference between right and wrong as a child, but as I grew in years and maturity it wasn't difficult to figure it out.
In my heart, (not other people's eyes) I felt the need to love, to care, to show empathy, to assist, help, to apologize when I felt I was wrong, and to learn from my mistakes.
Joining the Stream:
I'm a lover of words, an avid reader. I love to read books, magazines, articles and when I came about the stream, I fell in love with it's many writers and dancers, singers and the words, oooh the many many words that flowed about the stream. It was like reading a living book!
Words, thoughts, laughter, music, friendships it was like a world of it's own.
Group less:
I found that people danced, laughed, played, comforted each other and everyone had a talent. A beautiful talent. I wanted to fit in. (I've never fit anywhere). I believed back then that I had talent, that I could dance, sing, write, laugh and that I might have a bit of intelligence.
Group A:
I jumped right in...I didn't read the tiny script or the rules and regulations of joining groups. I didn't see groups, I saw happy people being friendly towards one and all. I started my dance steps, I waltz, I did the salsa, I did the moonwalk, and the tango. I was really happy with all the excitement of being among a great crowd of happy individuals.
As I was dancing along, I noticed some people stopped dancing and started whispering to one another. It didn't dawn on me that I might be the misplaced dancer. I kept on keeping on, but certain individuals decided I didn't belong. I didn't dance like them, I probably couldn't dance at all! They decided that they would "out" me from their group.
I shrugged it off and moved on:
Group B:
They were not dancers they were music people. They sang and laughed and told jokes. They were an excellent group. I truly enjoyed them. As I'm sitting minding my own business, Group A pops into the room and starts making remarks...(she can't dance and she had the audacity to try and join our group, but "We" got rid of her kind, now she's in your group and see, she's "Pretending" to know how to sing, when she can't even dance!" Group B knowing that Group A was superior to even them decided that I couldn't really sing, and if the dancers said I couldn't dance, then I must be a faker. I was dismissed by the second group.
It hurt a teeny itsy bit. I walked away and thought maybe I just don't belong to A or B, maybe I am not a dancer or a singer. I'll have to find what I truly am(according to them).
Group C:
I ran into a group with not as much laughter, but great insight and writing abilities. OOOH I thought, this is what I am truly good at! I know all about words, I know how to read, and I love to write! This is my group. This is where I belong! I gradually joined the group and went unnoticed for many stream post. Then Group A discovers that I'm actually still around and trying to "WRITE"! God forbid! They go and send messengers. "Look at her! Group C don't believe her, she's not a writer! She's a faker. She can't dance, she can't sing and she certainly should not be writing!" The writing group ignored them for awhile. Group A could not stand it, they decided I shouldn't be allowed to sing, dance, write, that there was no place for me in this giant Hall of fame.
Pummeled to the ground:
I fell, and this time it was harder then ever. My perception of who I was and where I belonged was crushed to powder. I couldn't identify myself as I laid on the ground looking like caked mud.
Where did I belong? Maybe they were all right. Maybe I can't dance, sing, or write. Maybe there isn't an ounce of intelligence in me, maybe I don't like words, maybe I can't feel, maybe I don't have a heart, maybe I can't really read! Maybe it's all true, and I can't do anything that I believed I could do. Maybe, just maybe there is no place for me here or anywhere?
The Closet:
In my urgency to escape from myself I made my way into the smallest closet I could find. There I sat and festered for awhile. It felt safe, alone with my own thoughts again. The thoughts that should never be spoken, the thoughts that were not real, the thoughts that lied to me. I sat there and cried myself to sleep. Day and night didn't seem to be different, they just came and went freely. The darkness felt right, it felt safe. I want to live here forever. No human contact, no one telling me I'm wrong for being who I thought I was.
As I laid in the cold darkness(because without human contact there is no warmth in one's heart) I could hear distant cries, whispers...where they merely lying thoughts? I covered my ears to keep from hearing those familiar voices. The sounds people make when crying, the sounds of pleading whispers or reaching out.
Exorcism:
I felt the presence nearby, and I wasn't falling for it. I muffled my cries and refuse to give in to fear. "Don't come near"! I warned the voices. "This is my space, and I found it first. When I first entered this room, no one was here...it's my place and you have no right to eject me from my safe haven"!
My safe haven:
As I sat in complete stupor I allowed myself to listen intently without being noticed. I could hear real voices. I could feel human contact...I realized there were many dejected souls inside my safe haven! I stood tall and acknowledged their presence.
I am Nobody:
I made a complete testimony and made my stand. "I am nobody, I can't dance, I can't sing, I can't write, I'm not smart and by all means I don't own my own soul. I am nothing but a waste of breath, dare not read my words and dare not befriend me. I am nobody, and that is what I will always be.
Thru it all, I still believe in these famous words:
