There are days when I feel so uninvited and so out of place that I want to withdraw from all mankind, for the most part it's all in my head and I know that people in my life truly care, but to walk into a roomful of people and they stop talking as you walk in, has to mean something.

It's rude to be talking about someone period, but it's worst when you talk about them and then bring the conversation to a halt as that individual walks in..um dur!

This morning my parental was discussing "me" to a couple of friends as I walked in the room. They stopped talking and all eyes were upon me. I wanted to ask what the topic for conversation was about, I wanted to scream at them to stop staring at me, I wanted to walk away and hide under a rock!

But instead I went in the room and sat down. I pretended I didn't notice the tension, or the stares....still....my face felt red with anger and humiliation.

I have never claimed to be perfect or faultless...I do admit to making many mistakes in my life and bad choices, but come on, why do people have to judge you for every wrongdoing? Why can't they realize that everyone makes mistakes, everyone has strong points and weak points. We all have characteristics that we are proud off and ones we need to work on or get rid off.

I might not be fast physically anymore, but I not weak in mind. I can think faster then my body can move, I can speak better then I can listen, I can write better then some people can read. I have many good characteristics, why do they judge me by my weak ones?

Sorry but it's true...I am aware of my faults and my actions or lack off, but once things are done all we can do is look forward. We can't turn back time and restart the button of life, we can't refresh the page or reboot, all we can do is start at point b and find ways to get ourselves on a straight and narrow road.

What I have learned growing up is that that road people speak off isn't spacious at all, it's over crowded with people who are trying to walk that straight line, the spacious one is the one where everyone is doing what they want and don't care which direction they are headed as long as it gets them to where they want to go.

I'm still growing and learning and trying to figure it all out. I'm sorry if I can't think like those who know it all, and I'm sorry that I can't react or should I say do exactly as others can...I'm me...and I can't apologize for being me, all i can apologize for is my inability to keep up with those who can do it all without hesitation or second thought.

Ever since I was a little girl, my dream was to become a Chemical Engineer. I'm not sure where that came from, or why I believed so very much in that particular career, but that was my dream from as far back as I can remember.

When the teacher asked everyone what they wanted to do when they grew up, my hand shot up and I knew with all my heart...that I wanted to be an Engineer! She smiled all big and told me that was a very good choice, but didn't tell me the dynamics of what to expect with this career choice.

That was in 3rd grade! In fourth grade I wanted to become a "Woman President" and started saving money in my piggy bank to help support my campaign. I must have saved up $3.97 when I realized that it would take a lot of sacrifices to build up my savings. Thus I gave up that dream on account that I wanted a chocolate bar from Walmart and if I didn't have it right there and then, I knew I would absolutely die right there and then!

By the time fifth grade came along, I was more realistic about my future. I wanted to become an attorney for children. I wanted to protect and bring justice to all the children in the world! I wasn't sure exactly how'd I do that, but I wrote a long letter (approx 22 pages) typed front and back to the President (but never sent it) and told him how we would have to change the system. It was detailed and in order so he could understand where I was coming from.

Sixth grade came along and I decided I didn't want to become an attorney, a woman president or a Chemical Engineer. I wanted to have a foster home and protect all the children in immediate danger and give them a place to call home. (momma's favorite saying). So, I started to look into funds and grants....unfortunately I didn't qualify since I was too young to get into the fostering sessions.

As I got older, I sorta lost all my dreams and started to forget the biggest reason for the past career choices. I wanted to be a teen, and have no fear, sadness or worries. I wanted to be free and make my own decisions or have my say on my future.

As I sit here and meditate on my past, I wonder if anyone here at blogstream has left dreams or career choices behind due to one thing or another. If you could fulfill your dreams what would you be doing now, and where would you be working? Do you have any regrets now? If you could pick your life now or the life you dreamed off, which would you chose? Have your dreams become invisible or depleted?

Feel free to comment in pm or in public. I'm just curious and wonder how your past has turned out according to your dreams and your hopes. You don't have to give details, you don't even have to talk about this topic, but you can come and say hi and give me a hug if you'd like..instead!

I shouldn't have ever taken the trip as sick as I felt. I ended up coming home early. What a waste of hard earned money!

I'm good tho, just a little UTI. I've been sleeping a lot and trying so hard to drink a lot of h2o!

But lately I've been exhausted and laying around doing nothing. Not even reading blogs!

When i'm better I'll come and visit ya'll. Love ya!

I shopped till I dropped today for 2 weeks worth of clothes....

We went from one mall to the other having loads of fun, until my wallet appeared dry...

Left the house with 340 dollars and came home with 12.89...

First we went to the MALL, then to get my hair done...

I have burgundy hair now I LOVE LOVE IT!

I got a dolphin tat on my left leg and it looks sooooo sweet!

My friend wanted to stop at a thrift store so we shopped there for about an hour, and Yay i found 3 pairs of jeans for under 30 dollars! They are Levi's and I love levi's! I also purchased 3 Hollister tops there and am hating myself for not shopping there before the MALL!

I did get 2 pairs of Nike's at the second mall and for that I'm happy!

We ate Chinese food at the the third mall and a banana split for dessert...mmmmmm

No frappas for me today but I did managed to down 44 oz of Diet Cherry Limeaide! Mmmmmmm (from Sonic....burps...ma bad!)

I was trying on my shoes in the car and when we got home decided to walk into the house barefoot and stepped on a stupid thorn...it pricked me pretty deep! Ugh! Now I'm limping away but it won't stop me from taking my trip.

I've noticed that I've been warm for like 2 days. Haven't taken my temp but....I'm also having burning sensation...when I..umm..urinate...I don't know what that is about...

Nonetheless....I'm off to camp in am! Woahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..it's finally here! I can't wait (does an "it's my bday dance") Even tho it's not my birthday but I can dance if I want too!

I also got into a word fight with one of my best friends but I still loves her. I think she and I need space from each other.

Dreams:

I have been sleeping well lately and last night I had as strange dream!!! I was walking by an OLD house and the house was sorta pulling me towards it. I kept walking away from it but it managed to pull me inside. I stood there...looking all around, the walls were made out of logs and the Sun was shining from one side of the house. I felt it's warmth, I closed my eyes and inhaled in a meditation mode, and felt the house lifting me up..in mid air....as soon as I opened my eyes, i felt myself floating. I screamed and fell flat on my bottom!

When I fell to the floor, I noticed a child standing before me and she touched my hand and motioned me to follow her. I got up and followed her into the back of the house, as we walked into the kitchen, the room got dark and I couldn't see or hear her. I pulled out a lighter from no where and lit it...there I saw the child and her grandmother staring at me. I asked if they needed help, but the grandmother replied in a different language, one I had never heard before...and motioned me to open the back door. I hesitated and she looked disappointed. I asked her in her language if she wanted me to open the door? She nodded yes...I stepped closer to the door and as I opened it, this light came out of no where and both the child and the grandmother were floating in mid air. They both told me to walk towards the light....I took one step and slipped into a tunnel...it had bright lights and I could feel myself driving full force into a hole in the middle of nowhere. I wasn't screaming but I felt such a calmness, then i woke up!

Boo hoo...I wanted to know what happened. I tried to go back to sleep but I didn't dream the same thing!