I never had a real mom, but
I've had a mom that's real
In all the things that moms should do,
And all the things moms feel.

I never had a mother, but
I've had a mother's love.
I've had the kisses and the hugs
That therapists speak of.

I guess I should be crazy with
The things that I've been through.
But I've had all a kid could need
Because I have had you.

Dedicated to all my blog moms! I love you with all my heart!

Morning my blog family...

This is a wonderful week, for it is the week to show how much we appreciate our Teachers.

You won't believe how much I have learned from each one of you.

For starters....

Empathy - A

Your empathy...Growing up in a home without love, you learn not to feel. You learn not to show empathy because the lesson of love is not a part of your life. It does not exist. You, my friends have taught me a lesson in Empathy, I give you an "A" for the life lesson.

Unconditional Love - A

My friends have taught me that no matter the situation, love is unconditional, thru hardships, failures, setbacks, depressions, bad choices and sadness. I give you all an "A" for your display of unconditional love. Ty!

Wisdom - A

Life lessons are hard to learn, but we don't always have to experience loss or a broken heart to learn a lesson. I've learned so much from just reading your blogs, and some of you have saved me from actually falling, failing, or making bad choices by sharing your life lessons with me. For Wisdom, I give you an "A".

Knowledge - A

I'm an avid reader and looking for blogs with challenging, yet thought provoking information is a feast to my hungry mind! I have learned so much from reading blogs, that the information might have never crossed my path if it were not for the friends who offer a buffet of vital information for my intellect! For that I give you an "A".

Understanding - A

There have been many times that I truly need understanding or perhaps a little space, and no matter how many times I come and go, I know I can come back to a group of people who accept me as I am and expect nothing else from me, but for me to take care of myself first. Refreshing my thoughts and soul, and coming back to my blog family. Whom I adore. For this I give you an "A".

Comedy - A

At times when life is too chaotic and you really could use a smile, a laugh or a different view of life. I know where to go to get just what I need to cheer me up. Even when I don't feel like laughing, and I read certain post, I end up roflmbo! Thanks for showering me with laughter even when I couldn't crack a smile for days! For that I give you an "A".

Hope - A

Tears stream down my face many times, and hope seems unreal or out of reach. Coming here has always lead me to finding true hope in life and in the people who have formed a relationship with me. I adore each and every one of you, and thank you for the hope you have showered me with. For that I give you and "A".

Encouragement - A

Again times have been hard and too much happening in my life leads me to a path I prefer not to travel. Sometimes we must travel thru such journeys but I know I'm never alone, and all of you who know me have come to be such a reward and a source of encouragement in my life. For that I give you an "A".

Conduct - A

Yes, the conduct is included in your report card, because after all, if we didn't have a conduct space in our report cards at school, how will parents know how well behaved their children can be? Ok, well here is where we all need improvement, some of us more then others!
For most of you, your conduct is excellent, tho I have had to remind some of you a few times to "Stop playing in the restroom and not to do cartwheels in the hallway, to walk, not run from blog to blog, to take turns, to be nice and yes at times to say sorry"! For the most part all of you involved(and you know who you are), have had a change of attitude and have done much improvement.

Some of you, however(and I won't mention names) need an attitude adjustment.(Uh huh)

That's ok, it means we are not perfect and we make mistakes, but there is room for improvement. Still, I have to give you and "A" because of effort! That means a lot to a student!

I hereby promote you into a new year filled with love, laughter and friendship. I know that in the coming year, you will make great progress and fulfill your dreams and goals in life.

MindPower May 8, 2008

I've decided today, two days before my finals, to study and complete my long overdue work. I can't allow myself to give up altogether.

I've never waited two days to finish so much work. I thought if I don't sleep for 48 hours I'll be able to accomplish all my due work and be ready for my final exams by Thursday a.m.

I am not concerned about my grades at this time, which is new to me. I'm only focusing on finishing what I started. I think I'll take a year off from classes and give myself time for healing. I've always tried to balance too many things at one time, and this year...I'm worn out totally, but the difference is that I'm not one bit worried. I don't care of the outcome, I just want to complete my task so as not to be a complete failure in life.

What made me totally lose it?

The final straw was the fact that I was constantly seek for God, asking and pleading for direction. I found someone who loved me and cared for me like a sister and promised me to help fix me. I trusted her with all my heart and soul. She promised to help me, then she got seriously ill. I prayed..GOD I prayed! I begged to help fix her. I made promises, I searched, i looked high and dry for answers. Still...
she died and she was too young to die! That's not fair! I don't understand. She was my best friend and loved me, she cared so much, like a sister. Now she's gone. That made me so angry and I can't understand it. I guess no one does. But best friends are not suppose to die not when they are in their 20's. She was my sister by choice.

Do you know how many years it takes to find a friend like that? How many lonely nights, crying moments, prayers, and then they come into your life and boom, they are gone. That's just not right. No matter how you look at it, she loved me and I loved her. We were "tight" as my other sister calls it.

I wanted her to be ok. I wanted this beautiful soul with angelic wings to be healthy. She had her whole life ahead of her. She was so beautiful and so kind and so understanding. She was the image of what I'll never be, never in a thousand years could I be like my sister/best friend. (tears)

I'm still angry about it! I'm hurting more then i've ever hurt before. I've lost people in my life that I love, but I had never been so emotionally involved with understanding of the meaning of love. I loved with all my heart and still do, but she taught me more about love in a few years then my entire blood family did in all my life.

That hurts...ouch...right in the heart.

So you wonder if I'll ever get over this? I don't know. I really don't know. I can't tell you where I'll be emotionally in a day, a week, a month or 2 years from now. Right now it's deep and it's too soon to "snap out of it". Right now...all I do is cry, miss her and hold on to memories of happier times, yet they don't make me happy, they make me sob like an infant. Right now I don't understand death or friendship or prayers or happy thoughts.

My mind is racing with thoughts, but none of those thoughts are productive in any way or form. I don't even care to be productive at this point. I don't care about anything that used to matter. All I want to do is stay in my room and never come out again.

That's what my mind wants. But in my heart I know I have to co-exist. I have to walk, talk, do my work and try to heal or I'll lose my mind altogether. Baby steps is what I'm allowing myself to take. I'm not dreaming anymore. I'm not looking forward to much, but I'm going to live for today, for this moment...until I can collect my thoughts and heal my heart.

Thoughts will come and go, happy thoughts have already been here, but then like a worn out battery, the light diminishes and I'm back to step one. I'll take the good with the bad.

I promise you that it's no one's fault. Not even my own. I just have to work with what I have in my mind right now, and that's not saying much. Take care and thank you for your love and support.

I still love everyone, I'm just having a hard time showing it...it's all confusing and I don't like how I feel. I don't know how I feel...but I know it's not me.

OMG I love this show! I miss it so much!



All moms and daughters should have this type of relationship! Love it, love it, love it!



Ultimate fave!

Have you ever told someone something and they called you a liar?

Have you ever felt like keeping all those thoughts that are scary.... a secret so people won't think you are lying?

Has your mind ever been so confused that you believe the people who call you a liar?

Have you ever wanted to speak the truth only to doubt your own thoughts?

Have you ever wanted to be believed with all your heart for once in your life?

Have you ever wished that your memories or thoughts were all a lie, and the only thing worst then lying was insanity on your part?

I would take insanity over the secretive truth.

I would pick insanity over being called a liar.

I would rather be put in a dark room with staring eyes, then a room with hands that violate my body.

Would you rather live a lie or lie to live?

Sometimes there is no way out of things but to lie.

If being told that you are lying about the truth; wouldn't it be better to lie and say nothing is wrong?

I wish the past was a lie.... and the only thing that was truthful, was that I was insane.

I pray that the past was a lie and that I'm totally lost in a world of truth.